


to this place (to you)

by KayCeeCruz



Category: As the World Turns RPF
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-26
Updated: 2012-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-12 22:27:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/496326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Jake doesn't believe in fate, not in the way he knows others do. One chance meeting in an airport terminal changes his mind and his life. No matter how much he tries he can't forget that day and when he gets a second chance he takes it without a second thought. But fate turns out to be a bitch, leaving him heartbroken, a little older, a little more cynical. Jake manages to move past disappointment and finds peace. Then his world is turned upside down by an unexpected coincidence. A new job, a new start with the one man he doesn't think he can ever stop wanting.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Van wants everything. It's a feeling that's both familiar and unwanted. When he gives in to it for once, he ends up hurting someone he didn't realize would become important, a part of him. If he had, he knows it would have gone differently. Now, he had to contend with an acting partner that he never saw coming, feelings he <i>should not</i> be having and the decision whether taking a chance on the unknown is worth risking giving up everything he knows. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	to this place (to you)

**Author's Note:**

> **THIS IS A DISCLAIMER TO SAY THAT I LOVE THE GUYS AND ALL THEIR CHOSEN PEOPLE. THIS IS FICTION, YO. OKAY. AGAIN THERE IS CHEATING IN THIS FIC -- EMOTIONAL AND A BIT OF THE PHYSICAL (THOUGH THAT'S A TECHNICALITY!) SO YOU ARE WARNED. Comments are loved, appreciated and petted! Enjoy! <3**

  


**1.**

 

_2002_

 

It's the kind of thing that _would_ happen to him. Jake closes his eyes, shaking his head as he watches the flight taking him back to New York and his family go from delayed to canceled status on the airline departure board. He pulls his falling apart cell phone from his pocket, searching for a signal that doesn't appear. He eyes the relentless fall of snow outside the terminal windows as it covers every inch of runway. 

"Fucking awesome." 

There's a snort somewhere to his left and Jake turns to find a pair of warm brown eyes staring at him, the corners wrinkling slightly as their owner nods. "I think you said it, man." 

Heat rises at the back of his neck but he smiles at the other guy, shrugs helplessly. "There are a lot worse sentences going through my head but I'm trying to be considerate." He jerks his head to the side at the group of kids standing a dozen or so feet from them. 

"Yes, because fuck is totally okay." 

He lets out a laugh, loud and real, making heads turn in his direction but it's the toothy grin in response that grabs Jake's attention. He steps closer to the row of chairs, plops down with a huff, sticking his hand out. "Hi. Jake."

Something warm unfurls in his stomach when his hand is taken. 

"Hi, Jake. I'm Van." 

\-- -- 

He'll remember that night in detail for years to come but at that moment Jake doesn't realize the way this meeting -- finding Van -- will completely change his life. 

\-- -- 

The airport has canceled all flights, the world outside the glass pane now only nature’s version of white static. 

"So you're parents live in -- where?" 

Van shakes his head, laughs a little. "A town you will have never heard of." Jake glares at him and Van holds his hands up. "Okay. Greenfield, Mass." He watches Jake, biting a grin as gives in and Jake sighs, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Alright. You win. Never heard of it." 

There's something about Van's laugh that makes Jake feel -- he doesn't have the words for it at that moment. Won't recognize it for a long time to come.

\-- -- 

There are bodies lying prone over almost every foot of floor space in the terminal. Jake is glad that Van had the foresight to find them a corner where they could huddle together, talking quietly about everything that comes to mind. 

"It scared the hell out of me." Jake exclaims, nodding with Van as they flip through the magazine someone had left on the floor. "Not the actual zombies though my brothers didn't like the fact they moved so fast." 

"Slow moving zombies are the way it should be, man." 

Jake laughs and takes another bite from the pizza they'd picked up at one of the concession stands, chews and swallows before saying, "Come on, dude. That's what made it a challenge. Like who can't walk past a bunch of slow-ass brain eaters." 

"You say that now..." 

Jake shakes his head, tries not to smile like an idiot because he'd bet anything that he looks completely moronic right now. "This is hands down the strangest conversation I've had sober." Van's eyes crinkle, lips twitching at the corners. 

"I can't wait to get you drunk." 

The white glow of the snow falling outside doesn't register anymore.

\-- -- 

He'd managed to get a signal long enough to tell his mother he wasn't going to be making it home for Christmas dinner and half-way ended up explaining why before he got cut off. He hands his cell to Van, smiling wide. "Since yours is dead." 

Van gives him a soft smile. "Thanks." He takes the phone from Jake, their fingers brushing and Jake feels a surprising spark under his skin. He blinks at the sensation, flicks his eyes up to Van but he's already walking a few steps away. Jake turns to give him some privacy, taking a deep breath to calm his heart. He rubs sweaty palms against his jeans and pretends he can't hear the way Van's voice softens as he talks. 

"Tell them I'll call as soon as I can. Yeah. Me, too." 

He smiles when Van hands him his phone back and doesn't ask any questions. 

\-- -- 

"Sometimes I feel like I should be doing --" Jake glances over at Van, smiles wryly. "Are you sick of hearing about my made up problems yet?" 

Van rolls his eyes. "I'll tell you when that happens. For now, finish that thought. You feel like you should be doing...?" 

"Something else."

"Uh, can you be more specific there?" 

Jake blows out a breath and shrugs. "I love music. It's been a part of my family, of my life, for as long as I can remember." 

"But?" 

He pauses and looks away, out into the sky that is now lighting up. He's never been the type to open up easily and these thoughts have been crowded in his head for a long time. Jake has no idea why he wants to tell them to a stranger but he does.

"This is going to sound corny but it doesn't make -- I don't _feel_ it in my soul the way I know my father does. The way I know my brother does." He takes a moment to think before meeting Van's eyes. "It doesn't make my heart sing. Or something equally ridiculous."

Van tries not to laugh but when Jake snorts, they both begin to and it echoes around them for a long time. When they sober up enough, Van shrugs. "Then find something that does." 

"It's not that easy." 

"I don't think it's supposed to be. Not for something you love."

 

\-- -- 

They stand in line as agents come around to check their flight information. Jake can see the crowd he'd been with being sent out of the terminal and he feels a little sad. He doesn't want to leave but it's stupid. He turns to look at Van, smiling when he rolls his eyes at the agent explaining _again_ what they're going to be doing. She finishes with a curt nod and Van makes his way over to Jake, holding his hand out and when they touch, Jake fights off the shudder that runs down his spine. 

"So." 

"I was going to say that." 

They laugh, this side of awkward which surprises him because they've been anything but. Jake shoulders his bag, squeezes Van's hand once more before letting go. "See you, Van." 

He walks toward his gate, feeling Van's gaze on him the entire way but doesn't turn to meet it. 

\-- -- 

_2003_

 

"Hello? Silbermann. _Yo!_ " 

Jake blinks a few times, pulling his mind back into the present and glances around the table. "Uh. Sorry. What was the question?" 

Annie rolls her eyes, clasping her hands together on the table. He's known her since freshman orientation when she'd turned down his offer of a date because _"you're not my type, babe. But buy me a coffee anyway."_ She reminds him of his older sister a little now, always worried about him. 

"Dude. What's going on with you, man?" Dan studies him shrewdly as he waves a hand in Jake's general direction. "You've been weird since we got back." 

"Nothing." His gaze falls down to the open text on his lap and he ignores the way he's sure Annie is glaring at him. "Let's do that again."

\-- -- 

Jake can't seem to stop thinking about Van. He tries to because it's not like he's going to even see the guy again. He didn't even get his last name which when he finally tells Annie about the airport, and the conversations, she thinks was just plain dumb. 

"There's a hot guy that you spent eight hours talking to about things you don't even tell us and you didn't get his whole name?" 

In retrospect, Jake realizes that he is definitely an idiot. 

\-- -- 

It's March and he's in the middle of practicing for the spring concert. Late nights in the band rooms going through the same notes and songs over and over until it's as perfect as he can get them. He passes the announcement board when he sees the sign up sheet. 

Open auditions. 

He can hear Van's voice in his head. 

_"Then find something that does."_

He nods once before picking up his case and walking out of the room.

 

\-- --

His brother blinks at him. 

"You've changed majors? Just like that?" 

Jake shovels another forkful of food into his mouth and shrugs, swallowing before he speaks. He wishes Dee was here. She always backs him up when he needs it. 

"Yep. I did." 

The twins are at the other end of the table, arguing the finer points of Playstation versus Nintendo. Jake thinks it's a moot point because, come on,. XBox, thank you. He opens his mouth to end the argument but he catches the tale end of his brother's question. 

"...wasting money and time, don't you think, Dad?"

He loves his family but sometimes, just sometimes...

His father pauses for a moment, meeting Jake's eyes, pointing his fork in Jake's direction. He feels his mother walk back into the room, her hand touching the back of his head in a show of support and Jake stands a little taller in his seat. 

"Do you have to switch schools?" 

"No." 

"Your credits still count toward this?" 

"Most of them." 

He watches his father's eyes narrow as he studies him. "This make you happy?" 

"Yes." 

"Okay, good. Now can you pass those potatoes?" 

And that's how Jake changes his major to drama in the middle of his sophomore year. He kind of wishes he'd done it earlier. 

\-- -- 

That summer he joins the drama department’s program, manages to catch up enough that he won't have to graduate later than he originally planned which makes everyone happy. Annie and Dan make fun of him for the first week, declaring he'll be back with them when school starts again. Jake smiles, shaking his head at them but doesn't bother to argue. After his first performance they don't say anything about switching majors back anymore. 

He feels like he fits in his own skin for the first time ever when he's on stage. He wonders if that makes sense because he's playing different people. It has to be at odds that it's more comfortable doing that then it is just being himself. That's still slightly awkward. 

He meets other students from different schools and that's one of the best parts of the whole thing. He meets Gray at their first joint workshop. He has blond hair and pretty brown eyes and says yes when Jake asks him out for coffee. There's a part of him that doesn't approve, that thinks he's using Gray to fill in that place that still aches a little when he thinks of Van. (And isn't that ridiculous to feel that way about someone he knew for eight hours.)

But it shuts up fast when Gray's hands are down Jake's pants, curled around his cock. 

They spend the summer together and Jake fills his empty spaces with Gray's laugh and smile. He might have fallen in love if -- and he's _pretty_ sure about this -- he hadn't already been in love. Gray hugs him tight when Jake drops him off at the airport. He watches him disappear through security and ignores the way his heart races faster as he watches people go past. 

He turns to leave and resists the urge to look for someone that isn't there. 

\-- -- 

"You ever wondered where you would have ended up if you hadn't decided to come to 'Cuse?" Annie asks him one day, sprawled out on the floor of his dorm room. He knows she's waiting for Nick to show up. Her crush on him is funny. 

"I'd ended up a bum, playing the trumpet for my dinner." 

Annie looks back over her shoulder at him, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I've meet your family, Jake. I think not." 

He grins at her, closing his economics book -- and he still doesn't know what possessed him to take that course other than some masochistic tendency he tries _really_ hard not to look at closely -- and shrugs. "Probably one of the other schools I applied to."

"How are you an actor, man? No imagination." 

He wants to point out that imagination and acting don't always go together. There are enough "actors" in his classes to prove that even something that feels like magic to him can be turned into technical, detached formulas. 

"How's Charlie? I haven't seen her around lately." 

Jake gives the back of Annie's head a distinct glare. He knows that tone of voice. "We broke up." 

"Huh." 

"Don't start." 

"I didn't say anything." 

"You don't have to. I can hear you thinking it." 

"I think you may have been reading too many of those comics of yours, Jake. People don't actually develop the ability to read minds in reality." 

"Annie..." 

She half-turns and her eyes are soft, sad. He doesn't want to hear this again so he gathers his books, throws them on his desk and motions for the door. "Let's go get some coffee." 

He can see the war she has going on in her head and sighs in relief when she chooses not to push.

"Fine. But you're getting me the expensive shit to make up for me missing the change to ogle your hot roommate." 

"Deal." 

\-- -- 

He realizes somewhere near the end of November that he's become something of a -- well, slut is too harsh a word but he's never quite had so many relationships in such a short amount of time. He's only really been with four people (and maybe half a dozen that didn't go past one date of fumbling with pants and shirts and...) but that was a lot. 

His sister mentions it during lunch once. 

"You dated the same girl for two years." 

Jake shrugs. "Maybe I haven't found someone that measures up to that." 

She gives him a sympathetic smile and pats his hand. "Just be careful, Jake." 

It's the first time he's lied to Dee. 

So after he breaks up with Derek, he makes a promise to take a breather, not date seriously. Maybe not date at all. The holidays are meant for family and he hasn't had much of a chance to spend time with them so he says no to another one of the ski trips that'd become tradition. His chest hurts when he thinks about a crowded airport and shining, brown eyes. 

Two days before Hanukkah, Nate sends him an invite to a New Year's Eve party he's having and encourages Jake to show up. 

_theres gonna b some crazy contacts there, man_

Jake wants to say no but Annie and Dan are both back home for the holidays and his family is starting to fray at his nerves. He manages to get through Christmas, barely, hiding at Annie's until it's New Years. He dresses casual because this is Nate so really and ends up on a rooftop in the middle of Greenwich Village. The number of people is a little worrisome and he hopes that the building is up to spec. He doesn't want to die falling through the roof. That's just not how he'd like it to end.

 _"Jacob!"_

Jake rolls his eyes but smiles bright when he turns to see Nate. "Really? We having this conversation again?" 

"I don't care. It should have totally been Jacob. You're all distinguished that way." 

"Oh. Big word." 

"Fuck off." 

Nate hugs him tight, steering him toward the other end of the roof. There's a huddle of people, trying to keep warm Jake imagines and he can't say it's a bad idea. Body heat for the win if you ask him. They're a few feet away when Jake halts mid-step, stares at the back of dirty blond hair. Something about the way the guy is standing against the wall, is more than a little familiar. 

"I want you to meet someone."

Jake turns to look at Nate and glances at the tall, dark-haired guy in front of him. "Hi." He smiles and takes the hand offered. He turns to look back in the direction where he'd seen the blond but finds it empty. Frowning, he barely listens as Nate and the new guy -- Tom, he think is his name -- start talking shop. 

Jake surveys the party, tries to discreetly look for the blond because he's that pathetic and he'll probably spend the rest of his life chasing a ghost of his memories. 

\-- -- 

The rest of the night is uneventful. Jake meets too many people and has too many drinks to be good for him. He hugs Nate good night before he's too drunk to make down to the street and grab a cab home. Nate tries to convince him to stay until midnight but Jake wants to be alone. He has his reasons. 

He walks slowly down the stairs, holding on to the railing as he goes. It's a clear, cold night, and Jake can smell the snow in the air. He adjusts his coat, bringing it closer to his body as he steps out of the door and onto the sidewalk. 

The street is pretty empty, midnight New Years Eve in New York isn't exactly the best time to try for a cab. He thinks that maybe he'll walk up another block, knows that the avenue will give him a better chance of finding a taxi. Maybe. There's movement to his right and he tenses, glancing over quickly and freezes. 

He hears the cheers from the open windows, people walking on the opposite of the street with their streamers and whistles but he almost can't speak. He croaks out a name. 

"Van?"

Something he can't define blooms in his chest when brown eyes flick over to him and widen with recognition. 

"Jake?" 

\-- --

_2004_

 

He doesn't know what to do. 

Van doesn't believe in fate.

Not really. 

There are coincidences that happen. _That_ he understands. The world is a smaller place than most people care to admit. You cross paths with complete strangers and generally think that's it. His experiences have never led him to believe otherwise. 

Except that he's facing someone he thought he'd never see again. 

Jake's grin is bright and warm, makes Van's stomach churn with feelings he can't really name, and he can't help return it with his own. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" 

Jake laughs, shrugging as he closes the distance between them and then comes to a stop only a couple of feet from Van. He hesitates for a second, trying to make a decision and before Van can blink, he hugs him, closes his arms around Van's shoulders. 

He is warm against Jake's chest. Hands flexing at his sides, Van tries to decide what to do exactly with this. He decides to enjoy it because damn if he hasn't thought about Jake more than he ever should have. Closing his eyes, he brings his hands to Jake's back and pulls him in tight. 

"Hi." 

Jake's laugh rumbles down his spine and Van swallows against the need that springs up. 

"Hi."

\-- -- 

In all the ways that matter, Van is honest. With himself. With other people. As much as he can be, and more often than not, he ends up satisfied with doing or saying what he thinks _should_ be said or done. 

He knows that Jake is someone he met once that he hasn't been able to let go of completely. It didn't matter that he was -- had been with someone else -- that he loved someone else -- he'd thought about Jake a lot more than he should have. 

That was truth. 

He pulls back and returns the smile that Jake is giving him, eyes falling from the blue of Jake's eyes to his mouth and back again. 

"Are you stalking me?" 

Jake rolls his eyes, smirking at Van. "Be careful, I think your big head is going to hinder your chances of getting into a cab." 

Van raises an eyebrow, bites his lip to keep the responding giggle inside. He _doesn't_ giggle, thank you. "Is it a Christmas thing? A tradition that I don't know about? I mean, I'm not big into the holiday but I'm pretty sure it's a little strange, man." 

Jake's laugh makes Van feel warm and full. He needs that tonight. 

"Are you in a hurry?" 

Jake doesn't even glance toward the street, eyes locked with his. "Not even a little bit." 

"Good."

\-- -- 

He is heartbroken and lonely and there's nothing more that he wants then to lose himself somewhere for a few hours. 

It's New Years and he is alone. Van has spent days in his apartment, trying to figure out what to do. Breaking up was difficult. Breaking up during the holiday was damn near unbearable. So he didn't go out, said no to going home and decided the best course of action was to hide under his covers until the pain passed.

That ache was a constant in his chest.

So he'd sat in front of the television, ordered take-out, smoked until he'd run out and had no choice but to go the store and get more. 

And there was Jake. In front of the building he'd come out of. 

Like he was supposed to be there.

\-- -- 

They walk toward his apartment, talking about everything and nothing. Van frowns when Jake mentions quitting his music study but in the same minute he grins when Jake explains why.

"Acting." 

Jake nods, smiling wide, happy and Van feels that ache inside ease some. 

"You inspired me." 

It throbs now with an entirely different feeling, one he can't quite understand but Van doesn't want ti to stop. 

It's the best he's felt in a week.

\-- -- 

His apartment is a mess but Jake doesn't seem to care. He flops down on the couch, looking up at Van like he can't believe this anymore than Van does. His face is fixed in a permanent smile. It stirs everything that's been dormant in Van since -- 

"Tell me about school

\-- -- 

He laughs more than he has in weeks. Jake's sense of humor is right up Van's alley. He thinks they could make the best of friends. He can tell how they could balance each other. Where Van waves his hands around, talking like he's gonna run out of words, Jake listens but Van finds himself learning to do the same. 

Jake talks about changing his major, how he's almost fallen off stage at his first production, the summer program he was returning to after the year was over. 

"I think the theater is for me. I feel...alive up there." 

Van nods, understanding perfectly. He has a couple of small plays lined up but it's been a hard work to book anything even with his degree. So much of it is instinct, that everything you learned could be turned around on it's head. 

He tells Jake that, how sometimes it's gonna be harder then it looks. 

"But I think it's worth it."

Jake's answering grin tells him he feels the same.

\-- --

Jake finds his collection of movies and insists on watching one. 

"It's three in the morning."

"You have somewhere to go?" Jake looks at him, one eyebrow raised, arm slung over the back of Van's couch and all he can think is that he'd rather be there than anywhere else. 

"No." 

Jake hits the play button.

\-- --

The Bride has just finished her training when Jake turns to look at him, nudges his arm until Van looks at him. "Hey, Happy New Year." 

Van blinks and can't stop the wide smile, nudges Jake back. "Happy New Year." 

\-- -- 

They end up sprawled out on the Van's couch, legs tangled while they argue about the awesomeness of Kill Bill Part One versus Kill Bill Part Two.

Jake shakes his head at him. "Oh, come on, man. The best fight scenes are in the first part. Not to mention the O-Ren origins section was amazing story telling." 

"You have a hard-on for anime." 

Jake grins at him, wiggles his eyebrows until Van laughs and it makes him smile wider at Van. It warms him from the inside.

He remembers feeling exactly the same way in that airport, wanting to make Jake keep smiling.

"Now that you have me here what's the plan?" Jake's grin is wide and though Van knows the tone of his voice is teasing, there's something heated behind the words. He shouldn't do what he wants but there's nothing stopping him. Not anymore. Tyler is gone and he needs --

He needs. 

Van doesn't think to hard about it as he moves toward Jake, watches as his eyes widen at his approach and then their mouths slant together, breath and tongue and want tangling together. Jake's breath catches at Van's hands under his shirt, his skin warm and inviting. Van swallows the moans that escape, let's some of his own escape. 

He pulls at clothes, tearing with a desperation he can't look at closely. Jake follows his actions, hunger in the grip of his hands, in the touch of his mouth on every part of Van he can reach, in his voice, rough and halting. It makes something in Van's stomach curl and he delves his fingers in Jake's hair, tugs until he can reach his mouth.

Everything is a blur as they stumble to his room. Van's back hits the wall when Jake pushes him against it, one knee pressing up into his hard cock. He lets loose a low groan, eyes open slightly to catch the way Jake's darken with intent. 

There's a bed and the Jake's hands curled around his hips while his mouth ghosts down Van's body, licking across the skin randomly, making his toes curl inward when he takes Van's cock between his lips. He tries to arch up but Jake's hold tightens and all he can do is make grunting noises. When Jake pulls away, he scrambles to grab at Jake's shoulders, guiding him up to his mouth. Jake aligns their cocks together, grips hard and jerks his hips up as he moves his hand slowly. 

Van can't think, feels the rush of his orgasm gather at the base of spine, burning through him and then it's rolling out of him, spreading over Jake's hand and cock. It takes another tug and Jake follows him, their come pooling on his stomach. Van watches Jake's face, shudders at everything he can see.

He closes his eyes and leans up, slides their mouths together and breathes in. 

\-- -- 

It should feel stranger than it does to be in bed with someone else but all Van feels is the warmth of Jake's skin as he lays his head on Jake's shoulders, watches the way his long lashes threw shadows across his cheeks. There's a smile twitching on Jake's mouth and Van strokes one hand down his side, over his hip, splaying his hand across Jake's thigh. 

Jake opens his eyes, smile slow and sweet, and laughs quietly. "I started to think I made you up." 

Van grins, bites his lip, raising one eyebrow slightly. "Yeah?" He traces one finger over Jake's jaw, leans up to press a kiss to the stubble growing there, nuzzles it and feels Jake's responding grin. Jake's hand creeps up Van's chest, circling his fingers in the hair there, tugging slightly and it makes Van hiss, heat builds in his stomach. He meets Jake's gaze, warm and too close to something Van can't -- won't let himself understand but it shoots right through him anyway. 

"Maybe we --"

Van's cell phone rings, the sound cutting off his words. It takes him a minute for it to sink in and when it does, he jerks up, wide eyes falling on the night stand where it sits. He glances back to see Jake watching him. He gives him a smile that is suddenly tinged with something that Van can't read and he gestures to the phone. "I think you need to get that." 

Van makes an apologetic face, dropping a quick kiss to Jake's mouth and crawls over to the night stand, grabs the cell and hurries off the bed and into the hallway, closing his bedroom door behind him as he presses the call button. "Hello." It's more breathless than he would have wants it to be. 

There's a quiet pause that makes Van's chest tighten. He hears Tyler breathing as he responds with a quiet, "Hey." There's so much weight behind the word that Van leans back against the wall to keep upright. 

"I -- I didn't think you were going to call me." 

Tyler sighs. "Van." 

He waits, stares at the closed door at his side, frowns when he remembers that Jake is in there, on his bed -- 

"I miss you." 

Van stutters in a breath. "I miss you, too." It hurts to think about how much he has, like a limb was missing and he clears his throat. "Ty, I just -- I hate this."

He hears a broken laugh on the other end of the line and closes his eyes. "You were right to be angry. I should have talked about it but --" 

"It's been your dream." 

"You're part of that though, Van." This pause is longer but Van feels it through the line, knows it's full of so much more than he can handle. "We need to talk, Van. I want us to -- I want to work this out. I love you." 

Van leans his head on the wall, blinks away the wetness in his eyes and says, "Me, too." 

\-- -- 

He opens the door to his room ten minutes later and stares for a second at Jake sitting quietly on the bed, putting his shoes on as he glances up at Van, gives him that smile that he did before. "Everything work out?" 

Van blinks at him. 

"Did you -- could you--" 

Jake shakes his head, shrugs one shoulder and his face does a complicated dance that ends in anger. "It was just a guess." 

Van enters the room, crouches in front of him, one hand falling on to Jake's thigh. "It's not what you think." 

"Really?" 

Van rubs one hand over her face. "There's --" He sits on the bed next to Jake, glances at him warily. "When we met I --" 

"You were with someone. I know." When Van gives him that look again, Jake rolls his eyes. "You were a little obvious with the phone calls, man." He looks at his feet. "So, that was him? Same guy." 

Van nods. "Yes." 

Jake takes a deep breath. "That's a long time."

"It is." 

He watches Jake tense, his face inscrutable and he glares at Van. "And you cheated on him?" 

Van narrows his eyes at the sound of Jake's voice. "No need to sound like that, Jake. We don't know each other but I'd hope you'd realize I wouldn't. So, no. I didn't cheat. We broke up about two months ago." 

Jake face softens. "Oh." He reaches out for Van, grabs one of his hands and squeezes tight. "That must have been hard for you." 

Van swallows. Until he'd run back into Jake -- until last night when he'd found him in the middle of the city -- Van had never been more miserable in his entire life, days bleeding into weeks. Until he wanted to never come out of his bed. "I've --" 

"Been miserable." 

He double takes and wonders if Jake was psychic because he seemed to understand Van better than he did himself. "Pretty much." The hand in his flexes once more and then its gone. 

"And now?"

Van shakes his head. "I don't know." He likes Jake -- more than he has anyone since he'd meet Tyler but --

Jake isn't looking at him anymore, standing to reach for his jacket and he meets Van's eyes. "You are going to try again." It's not even a question and Van hides his face in his hands. There's a weight falling on the bed and Jake's arm surrounds his shoulder and he pulls Van closer. "It's okay, Van. We didn't -- there were no promises." 

That's a lie. 

Last night had been full of promises even if they hadn't used words. 

"I just -- I love him." 

Jake's voice breaks in the middle as he says, "Then you have to try." 

Van leans his head on Jake's shoulders. He wishes -- he doesn't know what he wishes. That he could have them both. The thought makes Van laugh bitterly. That's the most selfish thing in the world. 

"We seem to have the worst timing ever, huh?" 

Jake snorts. "You speak the truth, my friend." 

They sit in the silence of the what could be, the what if and when Jake leaves, kissing Van's cheek one last time, it's like losing something he doesn't understand but knows was important. 

 

 **2.**

 

_2007_

 

Jake tries not to fidget in his seat too much, glancing around the room at the other four unfortunate souls waiting for their turn in audition hell. He shakes his head, rolling his eyes at himself and thinks he shouldn't be so ungrateful. It's not often you get a call back and he is actually stoked about this. The part is different -- new for him in every way -- and he already likes the character of Noah more than he probably should from two three page scripts. 

He glances down at the note he'd made in the margin of the new audition scene: _ask Goutman about background._ It seems a little pretentious but -- he wants to know more especially if he ends up actually getting this part. 

"Jake Silverman." 

He glances up, smiles kindly at the girl with the clipboard and says with as much charm and patience as he can. "Hi, yeah. That's me. It's Silbermann, actually." He gives her a quick grin as she shakes her head, scratches something out and writes on her paper. 

"Sorry about that."

He shrugs as he follows her out of the waiting room and down the long hallway. "Happens all the time." 

She glances back and gives him a smirk. "That's got to be annoying." 

Jake laughs because honestly, it bothers the crap out of him but you get used to it after a while. He doesn't get to respond or even ask her name before they've reached the end of the hall and she points him to a door. "They're waiting in there. Good luck, Jake Silbermann." She hands him the paper from her clipboard, walking briskly back the way they came. 

Taking a deep breath, Jake pushes the door open and notices the long table at the end of the room. Two people sit behind it, one he recognizes Mary, the casting director who he auctioned for the first time around. She glances up and gives him a warm smile, waving him over. "Get over here, Silbermann." 

He makes his way to the table, glad that Mary is there again. She makes him feel more comfortable dealing with Goutman. 

"You nervous, sweetie?" 

Jake gives her a wry smile. "Is it that obvious?" 

"Not really. I've just been around a _long_ time. I can tell these things. You'll do great." She says as she pats his shoulder. 

He takes a moment to assimilate to his surroundings. It's a different part of the studio then last time. Looking over his shoulder, he can make out Chris Goutman talking to someone. They seem to be having an intense conversation so Jake looks away, runs the lines through his head and then stops himself. He doesn't want to limit what he does with Noah to just the words on the page. He needs to be flexible, looser with him. 

"Jake." 

He turns at his name, smile coming to his face and then his world stops for one entire second when his eyes make contact with the man standing next to Goutman. 

This is not happening. This is not his life. 

Van's own eyes go wide, mouth gaping for about two seconds before he glances at Goutman and recovers. Jake's not sure what to do but his legs are moving on their own and he shakes the hand extending at him. 

"Mr. Goutman." 

"Chris is fine, Jake. Let me introduce you to your scene partner, Van Hansis."

Jake blinks as Van offers his hand and he takes it, the warmth a slow burn on his skin and he meets Van's eyes. "Van." 

"It's nice to meet you, Jake." 

He ignores what that does to his chest, the way it constricts with anger he doesn't have any right to and nods in return. "You, too, Van." He drops his hand before the awkwardness he is sure is radiating off them can get any worse. Goutman is talking about the scene but all Jake can do is concentrate on breathing. He can do this. 

The question now is whether he even wants to. 

"You ready, Jake?" 

He looks up to find Van watching him, gaze steady and familiar. 

"I am." 

The scene isn't particularly difficult dialogue wise but the lines are filled with underlying tension and want from both sides. Jake crawls into Noah and starts his line. It's an argument about their friendship that's really an argument about Noah's fear of being who he's supposed to be. He finds he can access the anger easier now then he could when he'd rehearsed it with Annie earlier.

_"Why does it bother you so much if I go out with him, Noah? And don't give me that bull about worrying what would happen if I dated a co-worker. You're doing it."_

_Noah's heart is beating fast- faster than he thinks it ever has before- and he doesn't know why but he doesn't want to think on it so he pushes and pushes until all he can do is yell at Luke to leave him be._

Jake pulls back from the scene, blinks rapidly when he realizes he and Van are standing only a few inches apart. His face is hot, chest hurts and when he meets Van's eyes there's something dark in his eyes that Jack is sure doesn't belong to Luke. He clears his throat and throws Van a dim smile. 

"Um, okay. Wow." 

He glances over at Mary, his smile feels more natural this time and then brings his gaze to Goutman. 

"That -- was very impressive." 

Van shifts next to Jake. "I -- you were really great, Jake." The compliment warms him and Jake searches Van's face, sees that it's real, and says, "You're pretty incredible so thanks." 

He looks away from Van's face as he sends him a wide grin. "Did you need to see it again?" 

Goutman shakes his head. "Not at all. Thanks so much for coming in, Jake. We'll let you know." They shake hands quickly. Jake turns to Van, holds his hand out and laces their fingers together when Van responds in kind. "It was good -- nice to meet you, Van." He doesn't wait for Van to say anything back. Jake drops their joined hands, lets go, and walks toward the exit.

He can feel Van's eyes on him the whole way. 

\-- --

"You have got to be shitting me?" 

Jake thunks his head against Annie's table, rolling his head from side to side in that position. "The universe hates me. That's all I could come up with." 

"Jake." 

He bolts up and points a finger at her. "Don't even say that it's not true, Annie. I mean, _come on!_ The first real job I've had that I've been excited about and Van is there. _Van._ " Jake drops his head back down, sighs before looking up, eyes sad, full of things he spent years letting go off. "I almost walked out." 

Annie shakes her head, scowls and hits his arm gently. "That's crazy talk. You want this part bad, Jake. It would be stupid to walk away from it because you have to work with an ex." 

Jake rolls his eyes. "He is not my ex." 

"Fine then. With the guy that you've been in love with for, like, an eternity." 

He starts to protest but her pointed look stops him. It's not untrue. He had been in love with Van, even if it seems like an impossible thing to fall in love with someone after meeting them twice but there you go. That's how Jake works. Worked, anyway. It isn't that he's still in love with Van. He isn't. No matter what anyone says. 

He thinks it's just the way it played out. 

Shaking his head, he meets Annie's curious gaze and shrugs. "It's not like I even have a chance in hell." 

"You said the director thought you were great." 

"He did but - I just -"

Annie raises one eyebrow. "Because you think Van will say something?" 

Jake doesn't think Van would do that. He didn't know a lot about Van (obviously) but he knew that he wasn't a bad guy. At least not on purpose. His phone rings and he picks it up when he sees it's Paul. "Hey, I didn't think we'd hear--"

"Are you sitting down?" 

Jack stops, glances over the table at Annie and says, "Yeah." 

"They loved you. Apparently they want to bring you on for their summer storyline. It's a steady three month gig, Jake, but it could lead to more." 

His mind is blank. 

He honestly didn't think this would happen. The idea of working with Van all the time is enough to make his stomach twist. Jake doesn't know if it's good or not.

"Jake?" 

Snapping out of his shock, Jake swallows, croaks out his response. "Holy shit." 

Paul laughs. "Exactly."

He is vaguely paying attention to Paul and thinks he agrees to meet him for lunch the next day to discuss the contract the show would be sending over. He hangs up the phone and looks up at Annie.

"I got the part." 

Annie grins and jumps up from her chair to hug him. "I knew you would." When he doesn't say anything, she pulls back, frowning. "Don't let it ruin your big moment, Jake."

She's right and he knows it. 

He lets the news sink and manages a real smile. He shakes Annie slightly, makes her laugh. "Let's go celebrate!"

Jake will worry about everything else later. 

\-- -- 

He walks into the studio the first day armed with resolutions that he'd spent a week going over and over in his mind. The same girl that he'd met at the audition greets him at the reception area. Her name is Joanna and she's there to help him settle, give him a tour and manage to get Jake to relax some. She shows him to an empty dressing room where he ends up picking out Noah's outfit from the clothes hanging on the portable rack. He makes sure that the clothes are relaxed and down to earth. 

Joanna takes him to the studio floor and he watches a scene being blocked.

"The way it works is mostly scheduling. We have limited space so we have morning calls and afternoon calls. Rehearsals are usually first, run through the scripts. Most times those are done the conference room. Though you can always run lines with other actors wherever. Then we have wardrobe and make-up. You come to the floor where we do blocking, it always depends on the director, you get however many times they do that. Then we film." 

She glances at him and then smiles kindly. He knows his face is slightly panicked. "It's okay, Jake. No one is going to expect this to be completely smooth your first few weeks. Look once you get used to the pacing, it's a cinch. You'll get a few extra takes because you're new but eventually you'll have it down to only needed two or three takes to get it done." She pats shoulder and leads him out of the room, finishes the rest of the tour and they end up in a room with a long table. A girl with brown hair, warm eyes and a great smile approaches Jake, holds out her hand. 

"Hi. I'm Alex. I'll be your beard Maddie." 

Jake grins back, he can't help it and takes her hand. "Jake. Nice to meet you, Alex. I'll be your gay boyfriend Noah." 

Alex grins wider, nods her head and leads him to the table. "Damn it. I hate it when Van is right." 

Jake's heart jumps at the name but he makes sure his face stays neutral. "Yeah?" 

"He said I'd like you."

They talk for a few minutes as the room starts to fill in with a couple of more people, one of them being Goutman. Jake gives Alex a surprised look and she shrugs. "He only shows up when it's important. This is important." 

He tries not to focus on the fact he'll be a part of something that is going to change the landscape of daytime as Goutman had told him when they'd had their meeting to sign Jake's contract. It makes his head want to explode, the pressure making him more nervous. On top of everything, he can't let that psych him out. 

The door opens again and Jake's heart jumps to his throat. Van strides in with another girl, tall, pretty and he's laughing as he turns to look at him. It brings back memories of Van under him, grinning into Jake's shoulder, mouth wrapped around him...

He shakes his head, stands up to face him. "Hi, Van." He's proud of the way he's voice doesn't shake and his smile is genuine. His old feelings, the ridiculous broken heart he will never acknowledge aside, he likes Van. Jake can't help it. He shakes the hand Van gives him and then turns to the other person, shaking hers as they are introduced. "Elena. Good to meet you, Jake." 

Van's eyes are roaming his face and Jake tries to ignore the way his skin feels inflamed. 

"Okay, everyone." Goutman claps his hands together. "Let's do this." 

\-- -- 

He fidgets in his chair, stares at Van's hands across the table from him, fingers clenching on the menu. It makes him feel slightly better to know that he's not the only one that feels nervous. After a few minutes of silence, Van sighs, setting the menu aside and looks directly into Jake's eyes.

"So. How awkward is this." 

Jake blinks and then begins to laugh, sees the way Van's shoulders relax as he does. 

"Pretty fucking awkward, man." 

Van grins back at him. 

\-- --

It's not that they _don't_ talk about it. It's that they don't _have_ to. Van and Jake are aware of what happened, what it meant and if things had been different...but they weren't.

Jake spent a year dealing with his feelings and now he was fine. He is happy about this. It means he can be friends with Van. They spend a few days a week together filming and in the down time between scenes, they get to know each other. They talk about music (they don't have a lot of the same tastes but Jake likes that Van appreciates music almost as much as he does), movies (they’re on the same wave length mostly), and comics. That's where they bonded the most in the beginning. 

Van helps him get used to the filming process, lets him crash in his dressing room until it becomes _Van and Jake's room_ , and they end up eating together whenever Jake is around. 

It's not until the day of Jake's first live event that he meets Tyler. He is a little freaked out. Noah hasn't even aired yet and the whole press is yelling Jake's name, asking questions about the story that he can't answer because he doesn't really know what is going to happen. He wears his best suit, meets up with Van at the venue and smiles as they walk down the carpet, flashes everywhere. 

There's a moment where he's lost and then Van's hand is at the small of his back, steady and warm, it makes Jake focus and they manage to get inside without anything horrible incident. 

He turns to thank Van and meets his dark gaze, freezes for a moment and something stirs in his stomach. Before he can say a word, there's a tall man walking towards them. His smile is blinding and wide, slight freckles sprinkle his face and he stops next to Van, nudging him with his shoulder.

Jake sees Van's face change, flush and light up, turns to give the man a huge smile.

There's a twinge in Jake's chest but it's barely an ache and it passes so fast that he ignores it and when Van looks back at him and introduces the man as Tyler, Jake is honestly pleased to meet him. 

\-- -- 

Three months turn into six months, the story of Luke and Noah seems to grab the attention of the world. Their fans are many and amazing and Jake understands because Van is unbelievable in his role, makes Jake feel so much as Noah (and even more as himself) but he doesn't give much credence to his own popularity. 

It's actually the first time he and Van argue. 

They're on a beach in Florida, laying back on the sand at four o'clock in the morning, drinks resting next to them. Jake has the idle thought that they should probably go back to their hotel rooms before they end up falling asleep. They have to be at the docks for the cruise with the fans in the morning.

"Today was fun." 

He thinks it doesn't come out too slurred. 

Van's head turns, gives Jake a quick grin. "You're a hit, man." 

Jake snorts, rolls his eyes and looks back up at the sky. "I think it's more the fact that they're finally giving Luke something to do. They love you."

Van is silent for a long moment then rolls over, close enough that heat radiates off him and onto Jake's skin. He wants to touch Van and it takes him by surprise. This is not the time to feel that way. In two days, he has to kiss Van -- no, Noah has to kiss Luke for the first time and he can't afford to let it get to him. 

He focuses on what Van is saying. 

"-- but you need to know that you're talented, Jake. You give Noah a lot that isn't there in the writing. The fans get that so I don't understand why you don't."

Jake shrugs. "I just -- I'm not saying I suck, Van. I know I can act. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't. What I'm saying is that it's more them loving you so much that it bleeds over to me." 

Van makes a frustrated noise and sits up. "That is just the dumbest thing you've ever said, Silbermann. And you prefer Batman to Spiderman." He grabs Jake around the wrist and drags him closer. "Stop being so fucking humble. You are great." 

Jake keeps his eyes on Van's hand and then nods. "Okay, fine, man. I. am. awesome. Best actor on the show. You all are plebs in compar-" Van shoves him hard and Jake starts laughing. 

"You're a shit." 

When he stops laughing, Van is lying on his stomach, head turned to watch him, and it takes some of the breath out of him. The moment stretches out and he can't look away. His eyes flick down to Van's mouth and he wants to taste him so much it's an ache in his bones. Van's breathing changes and he stills in a way Jake never sees. 

His phone rings and Jake gets up fast, digs in his pocket and seeing Alex's name, he thanks her silently. 

"I think we're being looked for." 

Van takes a moment before he nods. "Yeah. Let's go." 

\-- -- 

The kiss is nerve-wrecking. He can't wrap his mind around the fact that he's getting paid to do this. 

Closed set, only a few crew members hanging around, Goutman and Van. 

They rehearse but don't actually go past the last line until the film starts rolling. They need it to be as real as possible. This is important. 

He shifts into Noah's skin and then it's just want and need and something like love growing and rolling over him. Noah's mind racing with thoughts of what this can't mean and does mean and what he has to do to stop it. His mouth finds Van's - Luke's -- and it all rushes out of his mind. He doesn't heart the cut until Goutman has said for the third time. The crew laughs when he pulls back and Van can't look at him so it's not a lie when he tears the scene apart with denial and fear and restraint. 

Those are all churning inside him. 

\-- -- 

"So are we ever going to get to meet this Van, honey?" 

Jake pauses with his fork to his mouth and meets his mother's knowing glance, amused and loving all at the same time. "Um. He's just -- we're not really that --" He was going to lie, pretend that he and Van are co-working friends but that's so far from the truth. They go out to eat, meet at each others apartment, double dated when he and Alex tried to turn their close friendship into something more (and Jake is aware he might have been projecting at that point), there's even a bi-weekly night of movies with Tyler and Elena. He might tell Van pretty much everything that's going through his mind. He likes his boyfriend (and feels increasingly guilty about the fact that he once slept with Van and you know, apparently, wouldn't mind doing it again). 

"Maybe. I mean, he has a life so you know." He laughs almost bitterly because Van does. He has someone who he loves and loves him, a job, friends, and Jake is still stuck in a past that he should have gotten over (that he had gotten past) but can't seem to steer his way anywhere but into Van's wake. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" Dylan asks because he's a little shit stirrer and Jake glares at him, sees him grin over at Jesse who is laughing behind his hand. 

"No. He's just - we're friends." 

He ignores the way everyone seems to stare at him before finding their dinner incredibly interesting. 

\-- -- 

The paralysis storyline gets to him. 

Van is amazing and Jake brings his A-game every day, makes Noah open up as he reads between the lines of the words they give the character. After one particularly rough day where they fight and Jake cant' find his footing, he enter their dressing room and when Van turns to smile at him, Jake can't help but haul him into hug, tuck his face in Van's neck and breath.

Van hesitates only for one second and then Jake feels his arms wrapping around him.

They stay that way until one of the PAs knocks on their door. 

\-- -- 

"Take a seat, guys." 

Jake glances at Van and grins at him quickly. 

"I wanted to talk to both of you before break so you'd be prepared for what's going to happen when you get back to filming in a few weeks."

It's the last day of production before they take off for the holidays and they'd just finished filming their New Year's Eve episode. Jake is excited for all the holiday episodes, to be honest. It's some of the most fun he's had with Noah since he began. He and Van had a ball with the costumed episode, especially.

Gary, their interim producer during the strike hands them each a script, waves at them to start reading them. Jake flips the pages, skimming as he goes and freezes when he gets to the third scene, looking first at Gary then at Van who has the same look on his face as Jake is sure he does. 

"You're really sure they are ready for this?" Van asks quietly.

Jake watches Gary shake his head. "No. But I think we are and the characters are. We'll figure out what to do otherwise." He looks them both in the eye and grins. "And maybe we'll rile some things up." 

Van smiles but the look he gives Jake makes a shiver roll down his spine. 

\-- -- 

He spends Hanukkah with his family, stays in and plays games with the twins who are in town, helps his sister and avoids talking with his big brother. His mother manages to corral him in the kitchen New Years Eve, sits him at the table and stares at him until Jake sighs.

"I don't know what to do, Mom." 

She nods, squeezes his fingers. "I know. Love does that to you." 

He leans his head on the table and lets her run her hand through his hair.

\-- -- 

Tyler invites him to a New Years Eve party. It's at a bar in SoHo and Jake talks Annie into coming with him. They run into Alex and Marnie as they enter and are lead to a private room in the back. Jake's eyes find Van almost immediately and he breathes through the punch of want in his stomach. It's getting worse and worse to be around him. 

He catches sight of Tyler and the want turns into guilt when he spots Jake near the door, throwing him a huge smile and waving him over. 

"Jake."

He gives Jake a solid, encompassing hug and then turns him over to the bartender. 

Annie takes one look at him and orders two shots for each of them. "I think you're gonna need it." 

Jake doesn't even laugh at that. 

He goes drink for drink with Annie which is a feat because she can drink him under the table on a normal night but Jake is determined not to remember the night. He sits in a booth towards the back, watches Van and Tyler dance together. Van keeps glancing around the room and Jake knows he's been sought out but he can't bear to talk to Van. Not just yet. Not while he can still remember the last New Years they had. 

It's not until later when he's on the dance floor, sweaty and relaxed that he thinks it's a bad idea to have waited so long. Van manages to find him there, face solemn when he stands in front of Jake. "You've been avoiding me."

If he was sober, he'd make a joke, tell Van he was paranoid then change the subject and make Van forget all about the fact that Jake really is trying to stay away from him. "And yet here you are." It comes out before he can stop himself and Van's mouth drops open for a second before it snaps closed, tight line and he grabs Jake's arm, steers him away from the crowd and into the back, inside what Jake assumes is a closet. 

There's an irony in that he's sure. 

"Okay, what the _fuck_ , Jake?"

Jake runs a hand through his hair, sways slightly and squints at Van in the dim room. He looks less than sober too and that combination isn't going to end with anything good. Van stands in front of him, arms crossed and his face is a torrent of anger and something that Jake refuses to identify because there's a guy standing outside the door, somewhere in the other room that he thinks as a friend, that he knows the man in front of him who he's more than a little bit in love with, loves deeply and none of that stops him from closing the gap between them until Van's back hits the wall and then Jake presses his mouth against Van's. 

He pushes his way inside Van's warmth and he doesn't think about the fact that Van is frozen in place, isn't responding but then he feels hands clutching on his shoulders and he lets out a muffled groan, leans flush against Van, one leg between both of Van's, hands latch onto soft hair and he breathes. He hears a gasp catch in Van's throat as he slides one hand, fumbles to open Van's jeans. 

"Ladies and gents, it's almost time for midnight so find your partner and get ready to kiss in the New Year!" 

They freeze at the same time and Jake opens his eyes, catches the wide stare of Van's and he jumps away, backs up against the opposite wall. 

He couldn't -- he can't think --

Van steps forward but he can't hear whatever he might have to say. Jake opens the door and steps out into the room, runs directly into Annie. His face must be horrible because she takes one look at him and steers him out the door as the minute countdown starts. 

He doesn't stop walking until they hit the entrance to the station and Annie grabs his hand, makes him stand still and breath until the tremors are gone, until he can look at her without wanting to break. 

"I think I just fucked up." 

Annie nods but waits for him to finish. 

"I never fell out of love with him, did I?" He looks at her and when he sees the way her eyes soften, he has to find somewhere else to look. 

"Oh, Jake. You fucking idiot." 

That pretty much sums it up. 

\-- -- 

He ignores most of Van's text and calls for the next twenty four hours. Jake's hangover keeps him in bed and under the covers. That's the excuse he uses anyway. But once he can choke down food and get up without the world titling and the room spinning, he decides he needs to bite the bullet and call Van. Jake doesn't know what he'll do about his feelings but he can't lose his best friend. He refuses to so he finds the courage to press Van's number and waits, tapping a finger on his thigh. 

The click on the other end is faster than he expect and he's not ready. 

"Jake?" Van sounds tired, maybe even a little mad and Jake can't blame him. 

"I'm sorry." Those are the first words out of him mouth that he thinks make any sense at all. Van doesn't respond so he continues, "We don't talk about this, I know that. It's something that happened and we don't -- but it took me --" 

"Jake, stop. Please." 

He shuts his mouth and breathes. 

"I -- I felt the same way, okay? It took me a long time to stop thinking about you." 

Jake's mouth goes dry.

"But I --" 

"I know," He closes his eyes, swallows back all the words he wants to say. "You're my friend and I don't want to lose you." 

Van laughs. "You're _my_ friend and I don't want to either." He can hear some talking in the background, a few different voices and Jake remembers that Van was leaving town for a few days. "If things were different." 

"I know." 

They sit on the phone in silence for a long time.

\-- -- 

The set is quiet, the crew for once not making jokes or ribbing each other and Gary is sitting near their director. He gets up and heads to where Van is standing. They have a quiet conversation and then it's Jake turn. Gary's smile is reassuring and he pats Jake on the shoulder. "How are you doing?" 

He could say he's fine but it's a flat out lie. "I'm terrified." He sees Van mock frown at him and it loosen something in his chest. Jake is glad that things between them are back to normal. He watches as Van picks up his phone and frowns down at it. He shakes off whatever bothers him and turns back with his game face on. 

Gary grins at Jake. "If you weren't I'd be worried. It's not a big deal, okay?" 

Jake rolls his eyes and snorts. "Right. It's not like this is the first man on man sex scene in daytime television -- oh wait." Van giggles from where he is standing and Jake gives him a _"right?"_ kind of face before looking back at Gary. 

"What I mean, smartass, is that it's really technical, okay? You won't even notice what's going on." 

Jake is pretty sure he'll notice but he keeps his mouth shut. 

It's the worst few hours of his life. 

Gary is right about it being very technical. They walk through it several times and Gary quietly tells Jake where to put his hand, how to angle Van's face to the camera, which way to fall so they can get them in the shot, the placement of his feet...over and over and over until it does feel like an automatic, dry scene. Jake doesn't know how it's going to look once they start filming but he guesses awkward might be an understatement. 

Then it's starting and he can't think of anything else except how he should be getting into Noah's head. Van looks up at him before the cameras starting rolling and winks. Everything else fades away and Jake dives in. He doesn't remember much, knows he hits all the right frames but it's lost because he lets himself fall into Noah and enjoys, takes, loves, breathes until they're done and the crew is clapping and Gary is grinning and Van is looking up at him with heat and want and --

Jake isn't sure he can stop from letting that happen. 

\-- --

When the news comes down the wire that Jake is being let go, the first person he finds is Van. He's sitting cross-legged on the couch in their -- well now it's Van's -- dressing room. He doesn't look up when Jake enters the room, closes the door and sits next to him. After a few minutes, he leans his head on Jake's shoulder and stays there. 

Jake brings his hand to run over Van's head. "We knew this could happen."

Van snorts. "We did _not_." 

He smiles at the stubborn set of Van's shoulder and his growl that really only works on anyone that doesn't really know him well. And sometimes, Jake. 

"Van." 

He glances up at Jake and makes a face. "Goutman is a jackass."

Jake laughs. "I won't disagree with that." He smooths Van's hair back, pulls away slightly to look down at his face. "I'm just happy that you got your Emmy before I got kicked off the show and couldn't be there for it." He glances at the award that sits on the book shelf in Van's dressing room. 

"You should have gotten one too." 

Jake shrugs. He loved his time on the show, learned so much from everyone and he'll miss the crap out of Noah but he think he's ready to move on. To find something where he can stretch his wings a little more. What he knows he won't be able to really deal with is not being near Van all the time but at the same time Jake is relieved. 

The distance will help them. They need it to keep what they have and Jake needs it for his sanity. He knows that if given a chance, he'll do something that Van will regret and he can't handle that. 

"We're being ridiculous. Come on." He pulls Van up and steers him to the door. "I'm not going to be gone for a while so let's not get overly dramatic and maudlin yet. Hell, let's not do that at all." 

Van stares at him and starts to say something but Jake won't let him.

"You can buy me lunch since you still have a job and all." 

His chest tightens at the laugh Van gives and he leads them out the door. 

They'll be _fine_. 

 

 **3.**

 

_2009_

 

Van never thought of his dressing room as being too big. But then Jake came into his life and now that he's gone, there's too much empty space. He misses Jake and all of this things: his comics, his ginormous shoes for his ridiculously large feet, his favorite jacket with the worn cuffs, his books, all of his papers that Van would scowl at until Jake picked them up. It's like now that it's all gone (now that Jake is gone) he isn't comfortable with all the room Jake isn’t taking up. 

He hates being there so much that he ends up spending almost all his time in Billy's dressing room.

They don't talk about why. 

He misses Jake every day.

It's why he jumps at the chance to do another event in Florida with the fans. He enjoys spending time with them and would have gone no matter what, but the fact that Jake calls him to say he'll be there is just an added bonus. 

They haven't seen each other in a few months, Jake busy auditioning and doing whatever it is that Jake does when he's not with Van, or working, and Van has been working more than normal. He isn't sure he likes where they're heading with Luke but he is willing to give it a chance. (He wants to shake them and scream to give Luke (and Van) back his partner.) Van wants to talk to Jake about his thoughts, the decision he's been contemplating, he's itching to talk with him about nothing and everything. 

Billy and Marnie are in the lobby when he gets there. They invite him to the bar whenever he's done and Van runs to the front desk to check in. He asks after Jake and the front desk clerk is pulling up the information when Van feels warmth at his back and turns to meet clear blue eyes smiling down at him. He drops his bag and hugs Jake before he can think about what he's doing. 

"You miss me, Hansis?" 

"Shut up," he mumbles into Jake's shoulder and holds on tighter.

\-- --

It's not until they're on the beach around a fire that Billy and Cole built that they get a chance to talk. Everyone else decides to roast marshmallows and John pulls out his guitar, strumming it quietly. Van looks over at Jake and like it always is, Jake understands, nods and gets up. Van joins him, grabbing a blanket and they walk silently. This is what Van missed the most: the quiet they share. 

He stops about half a mile from where they started. He can still see the fire, people milling around and there's a few more than there were before. 

"It's getting crowded," Jake comments, reading Van's mind as always. He throws him a grin, open the blanket with a flourish and lays it down on the sand. He sits quickly, waits until Jake follows suit. Their knees touch, hands brushing against each other as they adjust on the sand. Van's heart is racing when Jake glances at him sideways and smiles slowly at him. 

"You got something to say, Hansis?"

Van raises one eyebrow at him. 

Jake shrugs. "I don't know. You seem to have something on your mind." 

He does but it's not something he can talk about. Not yet. He opens his mouth to ask Jake the question that's been on his mind since the beginning but he closes it when Jake's phone rings. He pulls it out, his face lighting up slightly and he stands, brings a finger up to ask Van to wait and steps away a few feet. Van watches him talk for several minutes and his heart falls into his stomach. 

Jake comes back over, sliding the phone back into his pocket and sits on the ground with a loud "oof!" then stares at Van. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stop you from talking. What is it you wanted to say?" 

Van shakes his head. 

The silence stretches out until it's a palpable wall between them until Van needs to ask. "Everything okay?" He motions to his ear, mimes a phone and Jake's jaw tenses but his face stays pleasant. He sends a quick look at Van before returning his eyes to the water. 

"It's good. I just forgot to call Jaime after the party tonight. He was just checking up." 

Van nods, clears his throat. "Jamie? I don't think you told me about --" 

"Him. We just met a few weeks ago." 

There's a sour taste starting in the back of his throat but Van pushes it down and away. "That's good, Jake. You haven't dated anyone for a while." He can feel Jake's gaze on him and sets his face to hide the uncomfortable ache in his chest. When he meets Jake's eyes, he manages a real smile. "I'm happy that you met someone." 

Jake keeps his eyes on Van, whispers a quiet "Thank you" but Van thinks something dims in his stare. 

It's better that he doesn't think about it. 

\-- --

He slams the door closed at the end of the scene, even though it wasn't actually scripted but it's not out of the realm of possibility for Luke to be that pissed off, and see Billy's eyebrow twitch upward from where's he is standing on the set. The director calls out "Cut!" and Van walks (some might call it a stalk) to the other end of the studio. He doesn't speak to anyone but waves and nods, tries to smile if someone greets him, but doesn't for any reason actually stop.

The mood he's been in for two weeks is sending people scurrying the other way. He doesn't want to bring that to work though. The crew and his friends don't deserve that, so he tries to funnel it all into his performances. It's a good thing Luke is basically a mess of anger and hurt, because Van can't imagine what he'd be doing without that outlet. 

He walks down the hall and veers left, away from his dressing room and ending up in front of Billy’s door. Leaning against the opposite wall, he studies the carpet under his feet until he hears the sound of muffled footsteps. Van glances up to see Billy give him a nod before opening his door, leaving it ajar for Van to follow. He closes it quietly then flops on Billy's couch, grabbing and skimming through one of the scripts for Sweeps they were handed that morning. 

"You think they'll actually let us out of here before three in the morning next week?" 

Billy shakes his head. "Doubt it. Ronnie said the effects department has been working overtime so you know it'll take forever." He fishes out a shirt, changes fast and then turns to glare at Van. 

"It's time, Van." 

He blinks up at Billy. "For dinner? To take over the universe?" 

Billy's mouth twitches but he makes his face stern. "No. To admit that you miss Jake and are probably a little more than in love with him and that not saying that or doing something about it is driving you to be an asshole." 

Van focuses on the part of that statement that he can afford to. "I am not being an asshole. I've been trying to not...do that." 

Billy gives him a look. "Yeah, well, you’re failing. Try harder." He takes a seat next to Van, pushing his feet off the cushion and settles back against his seat. "Van, you know I love you, man. And I'm not telling you what to do." 

"I love _Tyler_ , Billy." 

His friend shrugs and meets his eyes, gaze steady. "I'm not saying you don't but -- are you happy? That's all I'm asking you to think about. Because, just so you know, you haven't been the best with him lately either." 

Van narrows his eyes. "What's that mean?" 

Billy throws his hands up, shaking his head, and bites his lip. "That you feel guilty about whatever it is you have or feel for Jake and it's bleeding over, dude." Billy leans closer, touches Van's shoulder. "I like or love everyone in this whole situation, Van. I just think -- you need to figure out what you want." 

He closes his eyes and nods. He can't really argue with what Billy is saying. 

"Easier said than done."

\-- -- 

It's not that Van doesn't _know_ that he's being unreasonable.

It's that if he actually takes the time to talk to Tyler, he might say something that will hurt. That he can't take back. 

So they fight. Or don't talk. 

Tyler works more and more, which gives Van flashes of the last time -- back when things had fallen apart and it had been Van not understanding what was going on. He feels the bitter curl of his mouth at the memories. 

Maybe it was going to happen eventually because Tyler is patient, but he has limits that Van can test better than anyone else. 

They're in the middle of a fight about -- ridiculously enough -- a fucking umbrella, when Tyler goes tense and shuts his mouth with a snap. Van's been itching for this and he trembles with it. 

But the rules change suddenly and Tyler looks at him, calm and a little sad. "You have to move past it, Van." He starts to say he doesn't understand (but he does, god, he does) and Tyler stops him. "Don't do that. You know better than to try that with me. I know you, Van." He moves closer until he's standing right in front of Van. He leans his head down and Van breathes in when Tyler finally says "Maybe we can --"

"This is not _Friends_. Do not say break."

Tyler laughs softly, his breath against his skin, shivers because there's always going to be that between them, a tug of want. He doesn't know what to do. They've been for so long and Van doesn't think he knows how to not be. 

Except he sees Jake in his head and that's not true. He knows. He's just scared. 

"I don't want to give up." 

Tyler sighs and gives in for a hug but it's trembling and unsteady. "Okay. Let's just see how it goes. We take it slow." 

Van nods his head against Tyler's shoulder. "Okay." 

\-- --

He thinks it gets better. They make time for each other, try a movie night and dinner. It's during one of those night that Tyler says suddenly. "I know it's Jake.” 

Van spits out the drink he was sipping, chokes for so long that Tyler makes him stand up and raise his arms. After he's calm enough, he stops and looks at Tyler, croaking out a "What?" 

Tyler rolls his eyes. "I have eyes, Van. I see the way he looks at you."

Van really wants to ask how Jake looks at him, but he stops the question.

\-- --

_2010_

 

His contract comes up and Van quietly decides not to renew. Goutman makes an effort to talk him out of it, but Van doesn't think there's anywhere he can take Luke, not with the way they write him, and it's better to leave on a high note. He gets nominated for an Emmy again and it's enough to get him to agree to stay another six months so they can tie his storyline up. 

Goutman gives him the most sincere look that Van has ever seen and says, "I promise to make it worth it, Van." 

Surprisingly, Van actually believes him. 

Tyler encourages him to start auditions on the West Coast. They even take Van's vacation time and head out there, finding places they like and can see living in. But it feels so foreign to him, too much space, not enough people. He misses the clutter of New York, the noise, walking down the street and getting to see everything and every kind of person. Here they all look the same, both the streets and the people. 

They meet up with old friends and have a good time. 

Somewhere along the way Van realizes that he needs to make up his mind about what he wants. 

Like most things, it's fate that makes it up for him.

\-- --

Billy has the strangest look on his face when he walks into the studio his first morning back, a cross between excitement and dread. Van laughs at him. "What's up with you?" 

He waves the scrips in his hand at Van. "Have you seen the scripts for last week yet?" 

Van's eyebrows rise up. "No. I just got in. Something especially good happen?" 

Billy shrugs a little too easily. "You could say that. So, last week's script mentioned someone like five times, I'm not even kidding, and I thought it was nothing. That happens sometimes you know. Except." He picks up the second set of scripts sitting on the chair next to him, opens the first one to the scene breakdown page and points.

Van's vision swims when he sees the name Noah. 

"Fuck me." 

Billy nods. "Yes." 

\-- -- 

Jake calls him that night. They haven't spoken in nearly six months.

"Hey." 

"Hi.”

And it's like no time passed between them and before Van knows it, they've been on the phone an hour. They make plans for lunch and Van feels like he can breathe again. 

\-- -- 

"Wait, so, _really_?"

Jake's eyes are huge and Van starts to laugh at him. He throws a napkin his way but doesn't glance away from Goutman. 

"Yes. Really." 

Jake looks back down at his script and then grins at him, makes Van heart skip a beat or three. "About time Noah grew a pair, man."

"I'm pretty sure he always had them, Jake. Otherwise, Luke would not have bothered." 

That makes Billy and Marnie laugh from the other side of the table as Jake makes a crude gesture and Van grins and grins. 

\-- -- 

Jake is seeing someone. 

He hasn't told him yet but he knows through the grapevine that is their mutual friends. Van can tell Jake is waiting to say something and that -- he doesn't like that. Because it means it's important to him. It’s serious enough that it means something. 

Van meets Brooke at dinner. She's gorgeous, and sweet, and lovely, and he hates her so much that he can't even see straight. (He doesn't _really_ because she's a riot and makes him laugh, but he kind of wants to, it would make things so much easier.) They end up staying until closing, Tyler meeting them after his show ends and they talk and drink. 

He can almost forget not to feel that pang in his stomach when Jake puts his arm around Brooke or the way Tyler is watching him carefully while he talks to Jake about his new job. 

Brooke grabs him in a hug at the end of the night. "I'm really glad we met. Jake talks about you all the time. You are just as wonderful as he said."

He gives her a warm grin. "I'm glad we got to meet, too." It's not really a lie because he does like her. 

Maybe just not with Jake. 

It's a hell of an honest thought to have. 

When he glances over Jake is giving Tyler a hug, whispering into his ear and Tyler nods, smiling gently back before they walk way. 

Van is pretty sure he doesn't want to know.

\-- -- 

The hospital scene is difficult to do. Van has to lie in the bed, as still as possible and it's hard to keep his eyes closed when he can hear the amazing acting going on in the room. Noelle and Billy are fantastic. He wants to get up and give them a standing ovation. If he didn't know that Luke was going to be perfectly fine in a few weeks time, he'd be freaking out over his possible demise. 

Then Jake walks into the room and Van can't think through his whole scene. He opens his eyes a fraction to watch him when he knows the camera isn't on him and it's -- he looks wrecked. Van breaks open at the way Jake's face crumbles when Noah confesses that he never stopped loving Luke, that he would love him for the rest of his life and if he left now that he wouldn't make it. Jake gives his all and Van barely resists standing up and doing things he probably shouldn't to him.

He tries not to move as the scene continues with Jon and Jake. When they finally yell cut, Van sits up and takes a shaky breath. Looking up, he catches the back of Jake going through the set and out into the hall towards their dressing room. He waits until he talks to Bill about his upcoming scene and how they want to play it. They break for dinner and he goes to find Jake.

He's sitting on their couch in their dressing room (It feels right to think that and he knows, understands what it means) and Van takes a seat next to him, waits for whatever Jake might need to say. 

The sigh he gives breaks Van's heart. He glances at him, blue eyes a little misty and rolls his eyes at himself. "I know how it works but I couldn't get it out of my head that it was you on that bed."  
Van doesn't know how to respond except to pull Jake in and hold him until he stops shaking or they call them back to set. 

Whatever might come first. 

\-- -- 

Tyler skims his lips over Van's forehead, kisses him there. "It's the right decision."

Van grips him tighter and nods against Tyler's shoulder. "I know." 

When Tyler kisses him slow and sweet, Van closes his eyes and hums a quiet response.

\-- --

The last scene he ever films as Luke is opening the door to his apartment and finding Noah inside. It's a lovely way to end their run. They've filmed the full reunion a few days ago, closed set, and the actual ensemble scenes with their good-bye party had taken all morning and part of the afternoon but it's this one scene that manages to get to Van. The look on Jake's face as Noah tells Luke he's not leaving him again. Jake's favorite scene of all the ones they were set to do that week.

They finish and yell cut and the crew surround Van and Jake with hugs, congratulations and miss yous. Van takes the time to say goodbye to Linda in make-up and Christy in wardrobe. Bob and Phil from the crew hold on tight when they embrace him. He'll see the cast and everyone else at the party later. It's bittersweet and Van begins to have those second thoughts as soon as his feet hit the pavement outside. 

But then Jake is standing next to him, one hand clasping his shoulder and he grabs Van by the arm, drags him into a cab and takes him out for a few drinks and lunch.

\-- --

He is really drunk. 

The party has been underway for a few hours, everyone laughing and talking and crowding around the small bar in the private room they had to themselves. Van's been sitting in the back for twenty minutes, eyes trained on Jake dancing with Marnie, then Billy, then Marnie again. His hands shake with need, want curls at the base of his spine to be the one that Jake is hanging all over, but the shots that Jon and Kelley had bought him make him too loose to get up from his comfortable chair. 

It's probably why he doesn't notice before it's too late. 

Jake plops down next to Van in the booth, his head falls back against the seat and when he turns to look at Van, he gives him a drunken grin. "You hiding away from us?" Jake laughs at the scowl Van sends him. "That doesn't really work on me, Van." He leans closer, sweaty and hot and Van stops breathing at how beautiful Jake is, how alive and there. 

He clears his throat where it feels like his heart is wedged. "I'm not hiding." 

Jake snorts, scoots another inch in and Van closes his eyes when Jake's breath falls against his ear. He shivers despite trying to control it. "Bullshit." He turns his face and Jake is right there, so close his lips are almost a blur. His cock -- half-hard already from having spent the better part of the night watching Jake -- fills and aches, makes him shift away uncomfortably.

Van has a passing thought of running to the bathroom and finding relief before he makes a fool of himself. 

Then Jake's cheeks rubs against Van's and he lets out a soft moan from the contact. " _Jake._ "

"Hmmm." 

Jake is always tactile. It drives Van to distraction at times but it's ten times as bad when he's drunk, because at that point he doesn't care where they are or who can see them. Not that either one of them ever cared. What they are has never been easy to explain. The thing about them is that one of them always knows where the line in the sand is.

Van leans in, touches his forehead to Jake's chin, breathes and then breathes more when Jake's hands find their way through his hair, threading his fingers through the strands and holds tight. He mouths a kiss to the skin there, a lick when Jake lets his head fall back and that's all he needs. 

That's Jake saying yes. 

Van scrambles out from the booth and sways a little, but he's a lot more sober now than he was five minutes ago. Jake opens his eyes slowly, looks at him with confusion and want warring in them, but doesn't stop Van as he grabs his wrist and pulls. 

There's a back exit and Van finds it easily, hailing a cab at the corner and shoving Jake in. They stare at one another from across the seat when the driver asks for an address. 

Van thinks about his empty apartment but even though this is his decision, he can't go there. That's not -- no. Jake must see that in Van’s eyes, because he gives his address and is across the seat before Van can blink. Their mouths fuse and Van hears the radio turn up louder. He should feel some sort of embarrassment, but he's pretty sure this isn't even the most shocking thing the cabbie has seen tonight, so he wiggles his finger under Jake's shirt and touches his hot skin. Jake makes this noise in the back of his throat when Van kisses him, it's soft, almost inaudible except for how Van feels it all the way to his toes every single time. 

They make soft sucking noises on skin, whimper as they fall apart just to come back together again, and it burns him inside. This is --- he _knows_ this is it. The cab stops and he pushes at Jake gently to get them out and into the apartment, preferably on a flat surface but Van isn't picky at the moment. He throws some cast into the front seat, probably over tipping by at least ten bucks, and leaps out of the car, pulling Jake into the building. 

It takes them ten minutes to reach Jake's door because Van pushes Jake against the wall on every landing and kisses Jake until neither of them can breathe, only letting him go to walk up another flight and then repeating. Jake fumbles with his key a couple times when they reach his door. They fall inside the apartment, hands yanking at shirts and zippers and whatever is between them being skin to skin. Van slams the door shut with his foot then dives back into Jake's mouth, grabbing his head to keep him steady. Jake steps back, mouth red and raw, tries to say something but his eyes fall to Van's lips and he shakes his head, losing the desire to speak. 

Jake’s hands can't decide where to go first, but they settle on Van' head and everything slows, pauses for a moment. Jake brings their faces together, gentles Van's kisses and refuses to let him take the lead again. He speaks into Van's mouth. "I want you to know who you're with." 

Van's chest flutters with love, stupid and large, and he nods, leaning back an inch, their lips brushing every few seconds and meets Jake's dark blue gaze. "I know." He'll deal with the morning when it comes, with what he needs to do and whatever he'll have to do so he can keep this, keep Jake. He gives Jake a wry smile. "This might be corny, but I want you. That's it." 

Jake stares and then he hits him with that ridiculous slow burner smile that weakens Van's knees, makes him want to promise anything Jake wants in reaction to it. He doesn't know why in the hell it's taking him so long to lean in to kiss Jake again and all these thoughts are making him into a girl, which really won't work for him right now, so he pushes up into Jake's mouth, runs his tongue around the seam between upper and lower lip and guides him to the bedroom. 

They can go slow later. 

Jake grabs Van's waist and shoves until his back hits the mattress, his fingers nimble against Van's zipper and the sound of clothes rustling fills the air until Jake is naked, long and lean against Van's whole body. He bites back on the moan that burns in his chest when Jake's hands find him, his grip tight and warm. He drags pants and groans from Van, makes him beg for Jake's mouth on him. He catches the glint in Jake's eyes, the large, sloppy grin when Van stops begging and starts demanding. 

Jake's mouth is wet and hot and so good that Van shudders all the way from head to toe, already so close to the edge, and shuts his eyes tight to keep from coming apart. He can't let it be over, not yet, not until Jake is inside him. He jerks his hips up into Jake, growls a protest when Jake's hands keep him still, only his tongue and teeth working him and Van can't hold it back anymore. He tightens one hand into Jake's hair and comes so hard his vision goes white. Jake's tongue laps up what he couldn't swallow and Van pets gently at Jake's head, squirms and whines when he licks his way up until he's flush against Van from shoulder to toes. 

Jake’s cock is hard and full against Van's stomach and Van open his eyes, sees it all there in Jake’s want-blown eyes and he opens his legs, Jake fitting into place and licking his way into Van’s mouth. Van lets him for a moment, whispering when they pull away for a breath, "Fuck me." 

Jake whimpers in response, sucks at Van’s lips and moves to the side to dig through his bedside table, pulling out a half used bottle of lube and a strip of condoms. Van gives them a quick glance then grins up at Jake. "You are ambitious, baby." He stops breathing at the flare of hunger in Jake's eyes, but he's too loose, muscles relaxed after his orgasm, so he lets Jake drag him down the mattress slightly and bends his knees until Jake's finger circles and pushes and --

Van's head falls back as he’s breached and he gasps. _"Fuck, yes."_ He cants his hips up, twitches when his overly sensitive cock brushes against Jake's hair. There's another finger joining the first and he knows Jake is watching his fingers enter Van intently, feels his breath on the skin there and then there's a wet slide that Van can't handle on top of all the other sensations and he cries out. 

Jake's tongue pushes in along with a third finger and Van's hands clench at the sheets, his skin damp with sweat and he pushes down, wants more. His cock is half-hard and gaining speed as he wraps one hand around it, pulls and hisses at the sensations, still sensitive but too good to make him want to stop. "I can't --- _Jake_." Jake doesn't seem to hear him, mouth working at Van's hole with complete focus. He sucks one of Van's balls into his mouth, rolls it gently, fingers stretching his hole until Van sees stars, chest heaving with need, aching with every stuttered breath. His brain is turns to mush when Jake shoves back inside fast and hard and Van grabs Jake's hair, yanks until the other man looks up at him, eyes glazed over. Van brings Jake upwards until their faces are inches apart. He licks Jake, tastes himself and groans. "Stop teasing me, damn it, Jake."

Jake smirks, jerks out of Van's hold and without warning, he enters Van in one long, hot slide. Van arches his back, all the air leaving his lungs at once and Van can't even make a noise when Jake drags his cock over his prostrate, slow and steady, pulling almost all the way out before slamming back in again. Van's hands scrabble for purchase on Jake's shoulders, fingertips digging in hard, his legs wrapping around Jake's hips as he holds on. Jake moves faster, getting closer as he loses rhythm and buries his face in Van's neck, sucking a bruise there as Van tries to talk, to tell Jake what he's doing to him, but his voice is gone -- all he can manage is grunts and moans. Jake seems to love that and he brings his head up to watch Van falling apart, focuses on his face as he picks up his speed, fucks him deeper and harder. One hand grips Van's hip, shifts him slightly and everything hits exactly the right place. Van cries out when Jake's cock buries itself all the way in, over and over, until it's just one stretched out moment of pleasure. Jake's mouth finds his, moaned and grunted words falling into Van as one hand wraps around Van's hard, leaking cock, jerking fast and quick. Jake tenses and then he shouts out Van's name, face twisting with painful pleasure. The slide of Jake's hand against his cock and the sight of him falling apart is enough to make Van come, white hot stripes shooting across Jake's stomach and chest. 

Jake crushes him, trembles as Van's hands trace a line down his spine. He kisses the sweaty temple he can reach and breathes until his heart stops trying to beat out of his chest. 

Van shuts his eyes and lets it wash over him. 

\-- -- 

They lie together for hours, hands and mouth exploring places they remember, ones they never got a chance to explore before. Van lets his fingers trace over Jake's face, dips his lips to taste Jake's and he smiles when he receives an eager kiss, a sigh, Jake's eyes dark and wanting, and just beyond Van can see his fear. 

"I'm not leaving this time." 

Jake swallows and looks away. "I have to." 

Van stares at him.

"I have to talk with Brooke. It's not right to not tell her." 

He doesn't panic because that means -- "You're breaking up with her?" 

Jake rolls his eyes. "Yes, dumbass. Of course I am. I never should --" Something seems to occur to him and he pulls away. "Unless --" 

Van leans their foreheads together, kisses Jake's nose and shakes his head. "No, I'm not -- I'm choosing us, okay?" 

"Are you going --" 

Van bites his lip. "He already knows." 

Jake's eyes widen. 

"Tyler moved to California two weeks ago. We haven't officially, you know, but it's been over a long time. We just didn't know how to let it go." Van rests his forehead in the space between Jake shoulder and neck. "You make me -- what the fuck, Jake, -- I want to spout cheesy fucking poems about your ridiculous eyes and it's -- I am losing my street cred, babe." 

Jake laughs loudly and squeezes Van tighter. It fades after a minute and he rolls his head to look out the window. "It's getting light out." 

Van sighs.

"I need to go, but I'll come to your place as soon as I can." 

He looks up, smiles at the happiness he can see in Jake's eyes even if it is tremulous, it's there. "I can wait." 

Jake grins and that's all Van needs. 

\-- --

_2011_

**Jake Silbermann Speaks _Out_**

_by Freddie March_

_From The Advocate December 2011_

 

For the last few months Jake Silbermann, once known as half of daytime television's first (and possibly most successful) gay couple, is making new headlines with his much talked about film _Stuffer_ , a dark and complex look at how far one person would go to keep safe everything they loved. His name has also appeared in tabloids thanks to candid images of him and his once upon a time, co-star turned boyfriend (the term Silbermann prefers), Van Hansis on a recent vacation. The two have been together for a year but managed to keep it out of the public eye. Jake talks for the first time about his new movie, his new love and how it is sharing an apartment with two cats. 

**Your new movie is getting a lot of buzz around the film festival circuit. Is this something you were expecting when you first wrote it?**

Oh, god, no. Not at all. I wrote the short on my downtime between leaving ATWT and returning for the final Luke and Noah storyline. That was about a year. I found inspiration and just sat down to write it. Last year I got Nathan involved and my fans came together and helped to fund it, which is probably the _second_ best thing to ever happen to me. Now, it's out there and I couldn't be happier. 

**Your cast is great.**

Danielle is fantastic isn't she? And Michael is wonderful, too. Nate did a brilliant job with them.

**You're a revelation in it, too. Was it hard to prepare for the role?**

Thank you, really. I loved Haken. He is the antithesis of everything I am and any character I've ever played. It was a scary process getting into his head but there's a freedom to that. 

**So what's the best thing ever to happen to you?**

( _laughs_ ) Really? 

**Well it segues nicely into our next set of questions so, yes, really.**

Van, of course.  
 **That being said, we've been after you for an interview for a long time. What made you decide to do it finally? You've always been a private person.**

( _shrugs_ ) I still am. That hasn't changed. But when those pictures of Van and I got plastered in every news rag, we thought it was time to address whatever questions people had. Get it out and over with so everyone could move past it. ( _smiles_ ) Look, our personal relationship is never going to be a topic either of us will talk about openly. Like you said, I like to keep my life private. Van is twice as adamant about that. 

**So, basically this is about telling people to shut the hell up and move on already.**

( _laughs_ ) I wouldn't have said it that way...but _yeah._

 **Okay, then, let's start with the one question everyone seems to want to ask. When did you get together?**

About this time last year.

**When you had a girlfriend and he was still involved with dancer Tyler Hanes?**

( _long pause_ ) That's right.

**That's honest.**

( _nods_ ) Why would I lie? Do I wish I'd gone about it a different way? Sure. But we can't change the past. The best you can do is own up to your mistakes and never make them again. Van and I have a complicated history. I've known him a long time. I've loved him longer than that. There's no way I was going to let him go once I got him. Everyone is happy now, including Brooke and Tyler. That's what matters. 

**Romantic, aren't you? Tell me about your life with Van.**

( _face lights up_ ) It's amazing! I know I sound corny and he's going to read this article and make fun of me forever, but being in love with your best friend is the greatest thing ever. He knows me better than anyone, you know? But honestly? We're boring. ( _laughs_ ) No, really. We go grocery shopping every Sunday and do laundry on Saturdays. If we can spend the day at home in our sweats, beached on our couch, that makes us happiest.

_The phone interrupts and Jake takes a break to answer it. It's his better half. He speaks quietly into the phone, smiling the entire time and there's an excited rumble from his corner before he hangs up and rejoins the interview._

**How is Van?**

Doing great! He just got a part he auditioned for last week. 

**You really seem happy.**

( _grins_ ) Absolutely. I love the guy. I even love his two ridiculously spoiled cats. They are the biggest drama queens in the world and rule the house like only two females can. 

**Any future plans on adopting someday?**

We've talked about it!

**Seriously?**

There's a dog I've had my eye on for a while. 

\-- -- 

Van puts the magazine down on the table and leans his head back on the armrest to watch Jake walking in the room, arms full of bags. "Hey, baby." 

Jake startles but grins when he sees him. "Hey! I thought you had rehearsals until five." Van makes his way to the door, grabs one of the bags in Jake’s hands in one of his and pulls Jake in with the other, kissing him long and hard. 

"Mark is sick, so we got sent home." He licks Jake's taste from his mouth and leans down to kiss him again. The bag on his arm is getting heavy, but he doesn't really care. Jake grins slowly, one eyebrow raising as he presses his free hand to Van' jaw and traces the stubble over it. 

"What's going on?" 

Van grins. "You love my stupid cats and we're going to adopt a dog." Jake rolls his eyes and enters the kitchen, places the bag on the counter then grabs the one Van is carrying. "You read the interview, huh?"

Van hooks his chin over Jake's shoulder. "It was a good interview." Jake does that thing where he blushes which Van finds both hot and adorable. They are a sickening pair. "I appreciate not mentioning that the girls take after me." 

Jake snorts a laugh. "It was implied."

Van bites his shoulder. "I know that, asshole. Sarcasm there." He pauses for a moment then says, "We should probably get a boy dog, though. Even out the playing field."

Jake continues to unload the groceries and Van can hear the smile in his voice when he states, "You are a ridiculous human being, Evan, and I have no idea why I put up with you." 

Van grabs his waist, turns him around and pushes him back against the counter. "Because you love me and I give the best blow jobs ever." 

Jake looks up at the ceiling, thinks it over for a moment then nods. "Those are as good enough reasons as any I suppose." 

Van laughs and kisses him. 

Jake kisses him back.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author’s Notes:** SO THIS STORY OMG. I've been working on this for about nine months. Originally it was for the hayloft holiday exchange but I am a horrible person and yeah. Here we are. SO THIS IS FOR YOU MOEY! I TRIED MY BEST. CHEATING FIC. FOR YOU. THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. Thanks to Dani and Monday for being the awesome and patient betas they were and pinch-hitting! So much love and thanks to my artist, April. She makes the most fucking fabulous mixes (it's _amaaazzzing!_ ) and I heart her graphics. They are FANTASTIC. Make sure to leave her lots of awesome love [here.](http://wouldbedorothy.livejournal.com/88354.html)


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